Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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