i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
