I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
