This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
