My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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