Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
