I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She bit a glass in half.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
