I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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