batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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