He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
