I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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