News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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