Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
