I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
