Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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