party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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