WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
