Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There's always time for handjobs
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
