Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize