i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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