Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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