who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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