Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
