You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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