Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
