when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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