Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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