i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
