I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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