i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
