I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
