My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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