When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
