i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize