I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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