Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
