i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
