Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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