Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
