I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
