The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
