he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
