I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
