just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
