You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize