So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
