some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
