I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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