Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
