Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
