dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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