I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
