we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
