Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
