I heard we made out
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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