I wanna bring you to show and tell
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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