rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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