fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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