I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I pour the whiskey from now on
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
